NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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