whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
