The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
