im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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