so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
