so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
