can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
