My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
