i need an iv and a liver transplant
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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