And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she peed on how many people?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
