I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
