You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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