A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
