Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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