Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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