You can't special order awesome
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
