I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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