Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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