shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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