I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
