Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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