i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
