I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
