My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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