So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
