the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
