Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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