So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
