Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
