I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
