So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
