My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
