Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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