yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
