umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
