Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
