Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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