Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
