I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
