Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
