sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
