Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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