you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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