Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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