You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You are a genius and a whore.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
