she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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