You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
