I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
