I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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