upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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