One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
