How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
