I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
