the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
