Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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